Friday, June 27, 2008

Our Farcical Self-Satirical and Surrealical War on Drugs

  Now we're Sherlock Holmes-ing our community shit-piles:

Environmental scientists are beginning to use an unsavory new tool -- raw sewage -- to paint an accurate portrait of drug abuse in communities. Like one big, citywide urinalysis, tests at municipal sewage plants in many areas of the United States and Europe, including Los Angeles County, have detected illicit drugs such as cocaine, methamphetamine, heroin and marijuana.

Law enforcement officials have long sought a way to come up with reliable and verifiable calculations of narcotics use, to identify new trends and formulate policies. Surveys, the backbone of drug-use estimates, are only as reliable as the people who answer them. But sewage does not lie.

Since people excrete chemicals in urine and flush it down toilets, measuring raw sewage for street drugs can provide quick, fairly precise snapshots of drug use in communities, even on a particular day.

   I'm waiting for the CSI spin-off: Sewage Forensics.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

John Paulsen

  Spot him towards the end of this surreal trailer:

Arrested Development Movie

   I've got some reservations as to whether the style of the show will suit the larger screen, but I'm still practically shitting, pissing and cumming in my pants over the idea.  You'll have to forward past Keith Olbermann simultaneously jerking off Jason Bateman and Will Smith to get to the juicy bit where a eerily looking like my brother David Cross jumps on the screen and the Arrested Development talk begins.

Seinfeld on Carlin

  Jerry Seinfeld penned a nice little op-ed on the late George Carlin.  It's not incandescent, but it's funny and shows the proper deference to a comedian who set forth a generation of performers who only sought to approach his greatness.  A snippet:

You could certainly say that George downright invented modern American stand-up comedy in many ways. Every comedian does a little George. I couldn’t even count the number of times I’ve been standing around with some comedians and someone talks about some idea for a joke and another comedian would say, “Carlin does it.” I’ve heard it my whole career: “Carlin does it,” “Carlin already did it,” “Carlin did it eight years ago.”

And he didn’t just “do” it. He worked over an idea like a diamond cutter with facets and angles and refractions of light. He made you sorry you ever thought you wanted to be a comedian. He was like a train hobo with a chicken bone. When he was done there was nothing left for anybody.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Praying For Lightning To Strike

  I've said my piece on electric vehicles, but they still are a distinct component of our energy crisis solution.  With that little preface, I'd like to recommend this Atlantic article on the prospective Chevy Volt.  It's a truly inspiring piece about an American car company struggling to stay relevant — and struggling to stay alive — by putting every last chip on the table and looking to the heavens for just a little intervention.  Here's a flavor:

Given the challenges, standard procedure dictates first building and testing the battery, and only then designing a car around it. That process, however, would take until 2012 or 2013—time GM does not have if it wants to beat Toyota. The only hope of meeting the 2010 deadline is to invent the battery while simultaneously designing the car. Just-in-time inventory is common now in the car business, but just-in-time invention on the Volt’s scale is new to GM and probably to the modern automotive industry.

Many in the industry will tell you there’s a good reason car companies don’t do things this way. Toyota, which is proceeding much more cautiously with its own plug-in car, has made no secret of its belief that neither GM nor anyone else can keep the Volt’s promises. When I called Menahem Anderman, a prominent battery consultant in California, he said the lithium-ion battery will be expensive—far too expensive to make sense as a business proposition as long as gas is $3 or $4 a gallon. (“At $10 a gallon we can have a different discussion.”) Its life is unproven, and unprovable in the short time GM has allotted. To deliver tens of thousands of vehicles in 2010, Anderman said, “they should have had hundreds of them already driving around for two or three years. Hundreds. Not everybody can say it publicly, but everybody in the high-volume industry is saying, ‘What are they thinking about?’” An executive with a GM competitor, after making some of the same points, offered forthrightness in exchange for anonymity: “They’re making a huge mistake.”

The people at GM understand very well the reasons they’re not supposed to do what they’re doing. They offer a variety of retorts. Batteries will improve and get cheaper. Gas prices will rise. They have two decades’ worth of experience with electric drive. They have smart algorithms to test the battery. Strict new fuel-economy standards will vindicate the business case. But, at bottom, what they say is that the challenge is part of the point. They have something to prove.

In conversations with everyone from staff engineers to Rick Wagoner, the chairman and CEO, I heard references to the Apollo program. “John Kennedy didn’t say, ‘Let’s go to the moon and, you know, we’ll get there as soon as we can,’” Wagoner said in a recent interview in his office, atop a high-rise in Detroit. “I asked our experts, ‘Guys, do we have a reasonable chance of making it or not?’ Yes. ‘Well, then, let’s go for what we want rather than go for what we know we can do.’” With the Volt, GM—battered, beleaguered, struggling for profitability—hopes to re-engineer not just the car but the way the public thinks about cars, the way the public thinks about GM, and the way GM thinks about itself.

God, do I love this comic strip

  May Jesus make thee into a sunbeam, Jon Arbuckle.
Life

The Role of Government

   . . . Should be to lead and to inspire, and while John McCain certainly couldn't be called inspiring, he's offered an important dose of leadership here:

John McCain is set to deliver a speech today in Fresno, where he will lay out his proposals to encourage cleaner cars. The key proposals will be to offer a $5,000 tax credit to the auto companies for every customer that buys a yet to be developed zero-emissions vehicle, and to offer a $300 million prize for the successful development of battery technology that can overtake current plug-in auto solutions.

  I tend to agree with my brother that electric vehicles are currently little more than red herrings: transferring the vehicles reliance from an oil combustion engine to a coal powered energy grid offers a small impact.  What we do need is a leader to call upon and significantly reward innovation for a renewable power grid.  We need to be thinking along lines of solar cells built into the body of the vehicle and parking lots that serve as solar charging stations.  We also need to consider offering incentives to use public transportation, perhaps in the form of tax rebates and more widespread access to flexcar services.
  It's a long way to go, to be sure, but it's refreshing to see a prospective President take the reigns of leadership and speak in the moneyed language scientists, engineers, and consumers certainly understand.  It may not be hip to be green yet, but making it pay to be green is a hell of a first step.

Artificial Tornadoes

  Seems like a totally brilliant idea:

Most of us know that tornadoes are unpredictable, uncontrollable, and dangerous. But a Canadian engineer thinks they could be the future of electricity generation. He wants to make electricity from artificial tornadoes.

Louis Michaud, a retired petroleum engineer in Sarnia, Ontario, plans to use the waste heat from conventional power plants to create an "atmospheric vortex engine" - a small, controlled tornado that would drive turbines and generate electricity. "I'm confident that we could control these things," he says.

   Somehow mere confidence doesn't strike me as enough.

Me

  How is it that I can begin the day crying in my bed for half an hour then end the day joyfully though tellingly talking to myself?  Yes, I cried today—twice, actually—and I'm now actively sobbing at least once a week, which is a sign of vigor and mannish vitality, I'm sure.  I've got some serious considerations ahead of me, needless to say, as I can't continue on like this.  All cuteness aside, I'm really quite sick in the head right now.
  I don't want to leave my brother now that I'm finally getting to know him again, but I may have to leave Los Angeles, as it's an outright obstruction to what I hope to achieve with my life.  I'm considering moving to Portland or Denver, where the rent is cheap and the climate won't singe the hair on my balls and the people won't suck out my soul like a Dementor.  I need to find a way to live cheaply, working two-three days a week, and be able to write in the remainder.  Right now, there is nothing I care about more.  I emotionally need this. 
  I remember my brother e-mailing me while I was in San Francisco and he was still in Savannah.  He wrote about how he had burst into tears inexplicably as soon as he had woken up.  I've since learned that he had a pretty serious coke addiction then, and I'm sure that loosened the waterworks a bit but I wonder if we were facing some similar issues.  —I don't feel like pursuing this thought any more.
  I need something definite and good to happen to me in the next couple of months.  I need to achieve something. 

Friday, June 20, 2008

Awesomeness

   While I'm not exactly a fan of Spike Lee, I have to admit that When The Levees Broke was pretty fucking stellar.  Who I am a huge fan of is David Simon, and Spike Lee recently announced that he may be collaborating with Simon on a feature about the Katrina catastrophe.  With Generation Kill soon to debut on HBO and this recent bit of news, I'm delighted that the brilliance that is David Simon will not slide away into obscurity. 

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Relationships and Loneliness

   I'm lonely and so horny that I should be chained up.  The image comes of me shackled at the wrists and ankles masturbating furiously at the window with a dick so red and sore that it's doubled in size.  I'll hurl fistfuls of ill-guided semen at summer-dressed passerbys and collapse to the floor crying, pining for their mere unconditional acceptance and world-be-damned love.
   I've got the impression that the above fantasy will be realized in my eventual debut as a performance artist, when I'll exhibit my painful, ultimately disgusting, and pathetically reprehensible loneliness to the world.  Here's a little garfield minus garfield:

No
 

Soul

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Minimizing Sin

    The fucking may still be an ecclesiastical evil, but at least it's now it's done in wedlock.

    More seriously, longtime couple Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon — 87 and 84, respectively — were finally able to legally wed on Monday.  They've been together for 55 years.  It's hard not to be moved by that.

Sfmarriagemariojosesanchezpoolgetty

Politics by Profession

    Mother Jones has this handy breakdown of political donations by personal vocation:

Servant

$937

100% Ron Paul

Sex Slave

$425

100% Ron Paul 

Wizard

$1,500

100% Ron Paul 

Pizza Guy

$350

100% Ron Paul 


Monday, June 16, 2008

More Cool Stuff From Science!

   

Water Walls:

The "water walls" that make up the structure are generated by high-speed computer controlled solenoid valves. They can be programmed to take varying shapes, to display patterns, images and text, and to respond dynamically to input from sensors. 

"This capability enables architects to challenge many traditional ideas about architectural form," says Mitchell.  "Doors, for example, need not have fixed locations. When you walk up to them, water walls can open like the Red Sea for Moses, and then seamlessly close behind you."


Sunday, June 15, 2008

Peep Show

    A condensation of one of the finer sequences of the show:

Innovations We Might Seriously Regret

    The Atlantic offers this breakdown:

■ Mortgage-backed securities

■ High-definition pornography

■ The Hadron supercollider

■ Dubai

■ Non-Communist Russia

■ The Wendy’s Baconator sandwich

    Mortgage-backed securities are potentially their own brand of stupidity.  The Hadron supercollider, of course, is the technology that very well may open a black hole that'll devour our tiny little planet and with it our tiny little lives.  High-definition pornography will enable us to see the acne of our nearly under-aged starlets and the plastic surgery scars of those so ingraciously leaving their twenties.  The Baconator sandwich will be recognized by historians as the very emblem of the downfall of our fat, fat, FAT land.  And, finally, Dubai and Non-Communist Russia will band together with the innovating UAE holding and guiding currently oil-rich NCR's to a future of renewable energy and non-American hegemony.  The Baconator will then return and kill them all, leaving dead and fat Americans with the last laugh.

A History of the Vibrator

    Great read.  A little snippet:

By the late 19th century spas had introduced water treatments to do the job more efficiently. A scary French pelvic douche from about 1860 involved what looks like a high-pressure fire hose, trained on the clitoris. It claimed to induce paroxysm in less than four minutes. If marriage wasn't delivering the goods, rickety trains, rocking chairs or horse riding were advised for nervous women as gynaecological Dyno-Rodding techniques. But if the 2.20 from Tooting failed to oblige, there was no option but recourse to a medical man. Given that many in the medical profession thought that as much as 75 per cent of the female population were “hysterical” and that it was a chronic disease which could be relieved but not cured, there was a pressing need for cheaper, less cumbersome devices. By the mid-1870s, steam power had been explored. “The Manipulator” was a table with a cut-out area for the woman's pelvis. A vibrating sphere driven by a steam engine then did the business

Friday, June 13, 2008

How To Make A Daiquiri

     The American Bartending School Way!  Watch the video then follow the jump for the written recipe!

   Jeffrey Morgenthaler offers this handy breakdown:

Here’s the recipe:

1. Chill an 8-ounce cocktail glass.
2. Pick your nose, and wipe the resulting findings on the back of your hand.
3. In a mixing glass, add one ounce of Bacardi rum.

Note: rum is a liquor that comes in many different colors.

4. Add two ounces of sweet-and-sour mix.
5. Wipe nose on back of hand for four full seconds.
6. Shake drink gently.
7. Talk about difference between fresh lime juice and sour mix while drink melts in shaker.

Note: fresh limes are no longer used.

8. Strain drink into chilled glass.
9. Dump any excess in sink.
10. Enjoy!

Quote of the day

"Past error is no excuse for its own perpetuation.  Tragedy is a tool for the living to gain wisdom.....Now, as ever, we do ourselves best justice when we measure ourselves against ancient tests, as in the Antigone of Sophocles: 'All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil.  The only sin is pride.'"

    -Robert F. Kennedy

    Why have all the men and women with such shining intellect and eloquence disappeared from the political sphere?  I know the trend is to compare Barack Obama to RFK, but, honestly, isn't that an insult to RFK?  Obama surely has his moments, but his rhetoric is very plainsong in contrast.  We truly have no politicians with the ability and the desire to speak with such force and mellifluousness. 
    And that's what it boils down to: desire.  It's become political poison to use words with too many syllables, lest you be branded a latte-drinking elitist.  Apparently we're seeking representatives that are like us instead of smarter than us.  Considering there's a game so show called Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? I somehow remain unpersuaded that that's a good idea.   
    I've listened to some of the old fireside chats that FDR would have.  He speaks quite grandiloquently, and yet he always managed to secure the working class vote.  Oratory skill has become poison due to Republican rebranding: intelligence becomes elitism, and elitism harkens to snobbery.  Even if Barack Obama can't quite compare to such a giant as RFK, he has to be admired for his bravery in allowing his speech to loft to heights unaccustomed to by an America so adjusted to the not-as-smart-as-a-5th-grader George W. Bush.  I'm positive, however, that he's able to reach greater oratory heights.  And personally, I'm more inclined to call a politician elitist if he feels the need to talk down to his electorate.  But such is the sad state of our affairs.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

More Garfield minus Garfield

    Truly how I feel on days when a robust morning sputters into cumstains on the couch.

Harddays


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